Everyone knows who Mary Magdalene was. You don’t even have to be a Christian. She’s been depicted in countless movies, series, books, and paintings. She was the prostitute who became one of Jesus’s followers after he forgave her sins. Surely all those people can’t have been wrong, can they? Actually, they can, and they are.
“And the Twelve were with him, and certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils”
Luke 8:1-2, King James Version
“And the twelve were with him, along with certain women who had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities: Mary, who is called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had departed”
Luke 8:1-2, Douay-Rheims
“The Twelve were with him, and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out”
Luke 8:1-2, NIV
See? What it says in the Bible is that Mary Magdalene was possessed by 7 demons and Jesus freed her from them. Before Luke mentions her, he described Jesus having his feet washed by a nameless prostitute whose sins he forgave, but there’s nothing to suggest the two women are the same person. So, what idiot with no reading comprehension said Mary Magdalene was a prostitute? Pope Gregory I, that’s who. Between Pretty Woman and The Exorcist, the Catholic Church chose Pretty Woman, thus making everything a lot more boring for actresses in future New Testament-themed productions. But why? Was a woman who was neither mother nor whore too much for the Church to take? Was the idea that women’s lives didn’t necessarily revolve around their reproductive organs harder to accept than some dude reviving corpses? Was the Pope worried that a possessed Mary Magdalene would outshine the Virgin Mary?
Mega hit The Da Vinci Code challenged Church doctrine by claiming that Jesus and Mary were married and had children. Wait, does this mean the Messiah married a lowly prostitute?! God, no! The real Mary Magdalene was a highborn lady! And according to author Dan Brown, Mary was also the one sitting next to Jesus in Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, so quit it with the gay Jesus/John shipping you heathens. Jesus Christ was a straight man married to a respectable woman who bore his children, no doubt conceived via post-marital (and therefore Church-approved) nookie. It’s easy to see why the Church hated it. It’s a Battle of the Holy Mums, and Mary Magdalene not only had special babies with a special man, she also got him to put a ring on it. Clearly, Dan Brown’s Mary Magdalene had better taste in baby daddies than her mother-in-law. So, we should definitely worship this Mary and not the other Mary. All those theories surrounding Jesus and Mary Magdalene are of course very silly. It’s pretty obvious that the only one who’d ever make sense as Jesus Christ’s secret boo is Judas. Why do you think he kissed him? The Jesus/Judas betrayal is clearly one of the earliest examples of the Bury Your Gays trope.
I don’t care about Torture Porn Jesus or Sired a Secret Dynasty Jesus. I want a movie in which the real Biblical Mary Magdalene struggles with the demons inside her (while floating several feet off the ground and spinning her head 360°). It’s not too much to ask, is it?
By Danforth