Film Review: The Nun (2018)
I've watched all the The Conjuring movies, of which I've reviewed The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It, plus most of the spin-offs. I'm not a fan of the main series, and don't find it particularly scary overall. A couple of the prequels, however, were more enjoyable, even if they're not exactly cinematic masterpieces. One of those is The Nun (2018), which I've recently re-watched. Warning: SPOILERS.
Father Burke and Sister Irene, a novice who used to have visions, are sent by the Vatican to investigate if the Abbey of Saint Carta in Romania is still holy. Once there, they're helped by Theriault, aka Frenchie, who was the one who found the body. The nuns are less cooperative, and there's a dark presence haunting the Abbey...
The movie opens with a pair of terrified nuns, Sisters Jessica and Victoria, in an underground corridor filled with wooden crosses that leads to a door with the inscription 'God ends here'. This perfectly encapsulates the tone of this movie, which isn't exactly subtle with its demonic hints. The lack of subtlety may make it less scary, but it really ups the entertainment factor. Sister Jessica's decisions won't make any sense when we find out what she was trying to do, but right now, the most important bits are that the spooky nun from the first 2 The Conjuring movies is loose, and Sister Victoria hangs herself from a window. This is why Father Burke and Sister Irene are sent. He's a priest still traumatized by the death of a boy he tried to exorcise, and she's an irreverent future nun who teaches children about dinosaurs. The Vatican doesn't seem to know much about Saint Carta, which will make about as much sense as Sister Jessica's decisions further ahead.
Just like the mansion in Crimson Peak, all it takes is one look at the place to know it's clearly suffering from some supernatural issues. As if that wasn't enough, the villagers avoid it, the trio finds that the dead nun's corpse moved, and they're greeted by a creepy AF veiled Abbess who seems to appear out of thin air. However, Father Burke and Sister Irene still feel the need to investigate if there's something non-Christian going on because they apparently have zero survival instincts. For some reason, they keep the key they found on the body. Yes, they need to have it for the movie to work, but it's odd that they did. So, in addition to the spooky Abbey and the veiled Abbess, there's also a lurking background demon nun, the always fresh blood on the steps over which Sister Victoria hanged herself, spooky chanting, and an old graveyard with those little bells just in case someone is buried alive, where Frenchie is chased by Sister Victoria's zombie ghost. The bells come in handy when Father Burke ends up buried with the help of that boy he couldn't save. His name is Daniel and if before he could only snarl and shake things, now he can spit out snakes. Well, that’s an upgrade. Luckily for Father Burke, Sister Irene hears the bell and uses her visions to find him. Also luckily, she doesn't hit him square in the face when she stabs the coffin lid with her shovel. Apart from Father Burke, the coffin contains a skeleton and handwritten diaries explaining what the hell is going on. This is awfully convenient and I'm guessing the demon nun planned it so they would get the relic for him? It could’ve been, but then again, none of these characters are geniuses, and there's nothing in the final confrontation to back that up, which means it was merely a very happy accident. Instead of getting the hell out of there, or at least calling for backup, Father Burke sends Sister Irene to find out more about the key, while he reads the diaries. Meanwhile, in the village, Frenchie learns that bad things have been happening, and the villagers blame the Abbey. However, there won't be any torch-bearing mob because they're not stupid and know that place is best avoided. Unlike Father Burke and Sister Irene, who are clearly idiots. Still, Frenchie's concern for them overrides his sense of self-preservation and he decides to go back to help them.
With the help of the diaries, Father Burke learns what the audience already knows, that the demon is named Valak, though he adds some epithets: the Defiler, the Profane, the Marquis of Snakes. All very impressive, though while we get a couple of snakes and I'm guessing the nun look counts as profane, there's no defiling. In fact, despite tossing people around, spooking them, and trying to kill them, Valak manages to avoid even the slightest hint of naughtiness. So, don't expect any improper comments about anyone's mother or nappy pussies (by the way, I wrote about The Deliverance here and here). For her part, Sister Irene gets the backstory of the Abbey from Sister Oana. The creepy castle was built by the Duke of Carta, who opened a gateway to Hell in the catacombs. The gateway was sealed with a relic - the blood of Christ - and the castle turned into an Abbey of perpetual adoration, where the nuns take turns praying to keep the evil under control. Unfortunately, the bombings of WW2 damaged the building and allowed Valak to sneak in. So, the Vatican didn't know about the gateway to Hell in the basement? That seems like a detail you'd want to keep a record of. While things get spooky in the chapel, Father Burke finally realizes that there's something very wrong with the veiled Abbess. How could it possibly have taken this long? Anyway, Frenchie is back and so it's time for the final confrontation between the trio and demon nun Valak because, unsurprisingly, the nuns turn out to have been dead all along. In fact, Sister Victoria was the last one and her suicide prevented Valak from getting the vessel he needs to get out of there.
The trio finds the relic thanks to clues in Sister Irene's childhood visions. It's hidden in a secret vault which the mysterious key opens, and of course the gateway to Hell is behind the door with the warning. This means that Sister Jessica opened the door before getting the only way to seal the gateway. And this after she and Sister Victoria had already seen all the others die. Like I wrote earlier, Sister Jessica's decisions make no sense. Moving on, things in the catacombs get predictably spooky, as the 3 idiots split up in search for the gateway. Valak sends snake-spitting Daniel after Father Burke and lures Sister Irene into a pentagram to possess her. There's some creepy imagery with a group of figures with their heads covered by bloody burlap bags, but the fight with Valak is more about special effects than generating spookiness. Frenchie helps Sister Irene, which, as anyone who's watched The Conjuring knows, won't end well for him, and then it's time for a nun battle. For a moment it looks like Valak is winning as he nearly drowns Sister Irene, but then she spits the blood of Christ she had taken from the its protective orb onto Valak's face and it's game over for the Marquis of Snakes (at least until the sequel and the The Conjuring movies), who gets flushed down the gateway to Hell!
They leave after burying the nuns and Sister Irene declares the Abbey holy once more. Wait, why? The relic wasn't enough the first time, and it was necessary to add the continuous praying to keep the evil in check. On top of that, it's clear that something changed to allow Valak to get in. Why would Sister Irene and Father Burke believe everything was alright now? And what was Valak's plan? To just possess someone? Then why didn't he possess Sister Jessica? Or immediately go after the newcomers? Because there would’ve been no movie, that's why. Just like Sister Irene and Father Burke have to be idiots or there'd be no sequel and The Conjuring subplot. The movie ends with the Warrens' lecture on demonic possession from the first movie, which shows footage from Frenchie's exorcism.
VERDICT
The Nun is dumb and riddled with plot holes, but does have some spooky scenes and is entertaining. Also, I loved the obviously demon-plagued Abbey.
By Danforth